FAQ and specific questions to the doctor
Why do you go on about broccoli so much?
Dr Broccoli: Well, it's obvious. It's such a cool name for a vegetable.
You use buckwheat a lot in your recipes. Why?
Dr Broccoli: Anything that is not what it says it is ... is worth using. It's got nothing to do with bucks and it's not wheat. How the fuck did they decide on giving it that name? So you got to love it for that reason alone.
What else is not what it says it is?
Dr Broccoli: A funny bone. It's not funny and it's not a bone. It's the spot where the ulnar nerve touches the humerus (I think).
Are you really a Dr?
Dr Broccoli: Please refer to the previous question.
I became a vegetarian last Tuesday. My best friend said I'm going to die because I don't get any meat protein now. Is this true?
Dr Broccoli: Yes.
I never did no poo since last 3 days. Is that good or bad? (Janice, 6 years old)
Dr Broccoli: Firstly, I don't care how old you are . . . learn to write proper English FFS. Secondly, my diagnosis is that it's fucking bad and you're in a lot of trouble. But even at this late stage in your life there is a glimmer of hope. I recommend Kitcheree-frickin-koo. To give you some idea of the effectiveness of this treatment . . . when you go for a poo it'll be like squeezing toothpaste. At 6 years old I guess you can handle that analogy, right?
My new boyfriend says I need a piece of meat inside me, and keeps going on about sausages. I've been a vegetarian for 2 years, 3 months and 14 days. It has come down to my relationship with my boyfriend versus my relationship with my bowels. Please help me Dr Broccoli.
Dr Broccoli: Wow! Reading between the lines he sounds like a bit of a douche to me (particularly as he's not vegetarian), but also because he thinks he's being clever (i.e. he's a dick). He wants sexy times with you but is cloaking it in stupid, carnivorian euphemism. Fuck him off now and be done with him. If you're uncertain about what that means . . . get rid of him now.
Please help. Every time I get a cough or a cold my partner says it's because I don't eat meat. It's so annoying. Should I leave him?
Dr Broccoli: No don't. Only because you'll have the last laugh when he gets some festering tumour of the bowels.
Before I started eating your food I didn’t poo at all, which was you know ... not ideal, now I poo on the hour but they come out green! and look like little green broccoli Doctors, is this normal? And safe??? (Jimmy jo Jefferson)
Dr Broccoli: This feels like you are hitting on me. Which is ok. I'm keen. But I'm no pushover JjJ. Just because you are opening your bum to little green broccoli doctors doesn't mean you've got me . . . yet. And yes - this is a perfectly normal, safe activity. What is not a normal activity, is your casual use of capital letters and punctuation. This would definitely come between us.
I went for a walk yesterday. I was about 30 minutes away from home when I felt my bowels prepare to move. In the past I could shrug the feeling off and wait . . . after all, I am in control of my bowels. However, ever since I started following your recipes my bowels are now in control of my brain. When it's time to poo . . . I have to poo. Imagine my embarrassment. There was no way I could make it home in time. I had to pull down my trousers and put my bum in a hedge and evacuate. One massive advantage of your food is that there is no effort involved . . . not like when you see some dogs on a walk straining to drop one. I literally emptied into the bush in about 20 seconds, only having time to wave briefly at some walkers. (A bushy shitter)
Dr Broccoli: This isn't a question . . . but it made me happy.
Where are the recipes for carnivores? I nick a lamb out of a farmer's field every now and then and ritually slaughter it under a full moon. I find the bleating oddly erotic. Don't worry about the mint sauce recipe as Morrison's own brand is not too shit to be honest. (Fatso)
Dr Broccoli: Give up the booze Fatso. Seriously.